23 November 2010

Broke my promises to myself.

When I came to Uni I promised myself I'd clean up my life in all areas,
eat properly,
gain some dignity,
no casual sexual encounters,
work hard,
get up on time.

I'm failing on all levels.

I was in Paris this weekend with my society at Uni,
and we got very very drunk every night
and at some stupid hour of the morning on Sunday I fucked a Canadian boy in the toilets of the hostel.
I don't even know his surname.

I can't get out of this awful cycle of using sex to make myself feel better.
Not that it really ever does.
I just can't seem to help myself.

I also refused to eat all of Friday when we got there because the boys wouldn't take me to somewhere I could eat something low calorie and I refused to eat cheap Pain au Chocolats.
They got pissed off with me for acting like a child
and I got pissed off with them for being so horrible about it.

And then J tells me,
"you need to eat something, you're a stick"
so I told him to fuck off and walked away.

I've realised that there's no point trying to explain any of this to anyone,
they never understand it.

And the French boy I was sleeping with at Uni is boring me and I haven't bothered to try to see him for weeks now.
And I got up at 2pm today because I couldn't face getting up.
And I have to food in my flat which means I have to go shopping which is going to take me hours because it always does and the supermarket freaks me out and I've been making a shopping list which I keep adding things to and then crossing out and I'm stressed stressed stressed.

On a brighter note though, I've stuck 150 pictures of me and my friends onto my wall above my bed and it makes me smile to look at them and catch sight of a random memory.

Gotta go to uni,
going to walk,
and not going to buy food on the way because I don't plan to eat today due to my size six dresses getting tight and my stomach making me want to vom.

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