Broke my promises to myself.

When I came to Uni I promised myself I'd clean up my life in all areas,
eat properly,
gain some dignity,
no casual sexual encounters,
work hard,
get up on time.

I'm failing on all levels.

I was in Paris this weekend with my society at Uni,
and we got very very drunk every night
and at some stupid hour of the morning on Sunday I fucked a Canadian boy in the toilets of the hostel.
I don't even know his surname.

I can't get out of this awful cycle of using sex to make myself feel better.
Not that it really ever does.
I just can't seem to help myself.

I also refused to eat all of Friday when we got there because the boys wouldn't take me to somewhere I could eat something low calorie and I refused to eat cheap Pain au Chocolats.
They got pissed off with me for acting like a child
and I got pissed off with them for being so horrible about it.

And then J tells me,
"you need to eat something, you're a stick"
so I told him to fuck off and walked away.

I've realised that there's no point trying to explain any of this to anyone,
they never understand it.

And the French boy I was sleeping with at Uni is boring me and I haven't bothered to try to see him for weeks now.
And I got up at 2pm today because I couldn't face getting up.
And I have to food in my flat which means I have to go shopping which is going to take me hours because it always does and the supermarket freaks me out and I've been making a shopping list which I keep adding things to and then crossing out and I'm stressed stressed stressed.

On a brighter note though, I've stuck 150 pictures of me and my friends onto my wall above my bed and it makes me smile to look at them and catch sight of a random memory.

Gotta go to uni,
going to walk,
and not going to buy food on the way because I don't plan to eat today due to my size six dresses getting tight and my stomach making me want to vom.

Horrible Failure.

I can't seem to stick to anything these days,
waking up before midday,
walking to uni,
attending lectures,
eating healthily,
reading, reading, reading, reading.
None of the above seem to be within my grasp at the moment.

Lonliness is an odd concept I think, how you can feel lonely when you live in a block with 30 other people who are all friendly and lovely and fucked up in their own way.
When your flatmate is loveliness and you spend enough time with her to be 'close friends'.
When back home you know there are so many people who love and care for you and who you can hurt so easily by fucking yourself up.

Calories today: 105.
Cups of coffee: 3.
Cigs: 3.
Weight: 122.4 (back down to my "maintaining" weight, lower lower lower)

I'm going to Paris tomorrow,
change of scenery.

There's no food in my kitchen that belongs to me,
this is making me happy (somewhat).

That boy who I'm seeing fucking,
he's getting boring.

Welcome to disjointed thoughts and guilt and fear.

I'm back.

I've tried over the last few months to be healthy and not be obsessive and a calorie bore and all that stuff, but I don't think that I can do it. I hate feeling like I'm putting on weight all the time, I hate just
eating
and eating
and eating.

I eat when I'm not even hungry, just cramming in the food until I feel like I'm going to burst out of my own skin because it can't stretch fast enough. Horrible.

Living with other people is making it easier and also much harder at the same time,
no one notices if you don't eat,
but they do notice if you stand infront of the fridge ten times in an hour and then eat everything in your drawer in one sitting.
They notice that shit.

So I'm back here again,
starting fresh.
I want to eat healthily again.
Today I've been so good, after yesterday's meltdown (a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's was involved, I don't wanna talk about it),
I had a pepper and cream cheese sandwhich for lunch,
and sweet chilli chicken and noodles for dinner (which I made myself).
That's about 800 calories for today.

I'm currently watching Supersize vs Superskinny in an attempt not to go and eat something else.

No more midnight snacks,
no more ice cream tubs,
no more pasties for lunch,
no more crisps in the cupboard.

I will be good and I will sort my life out and I will walk to Uni EVERY DAY.

M